Romany/Marriage
Marriage and Courtship
Engagements and marriages are great and joyous events for the Roma, signifying the extension and continuation of the family. For this reason, they are accompanied by great celebrations. Marriage signifies a change in position of the married couple in Roma society as full and productive members of the community. All Roma are expected to marry. The customs and rituals for engagements and marriages described here are traditional and vary for the many Roma tribes in the 'Verse.
Engagement
In spite of myths of Roma immorality, most Roma follow strict rules of sexual behavior. He or she is expected to marry someone within their particular tribe and most Roma conform by marrying within their group. They prefer to maintain tribal and social purity in that way. If a Roma male marries a gaje female, his community may eventually accept her, provided that she adopts the Romany way of life. But it is a worse violation of the marimé code for a Roma female to marry a gajo, because Roma women are the guarantors for the survival of the population.
Many tribes consider the children Roma only if the father is Roma. Roma expect females to be virgins when they marry. The Roma perceive marriage as the end of a woman's innocence. Marriages for Roma are typically very young, as early as sixteen or seventeen, depending on whether they are closely scrutinized by local authorities.
The first step in contemplating marriage is the selection of the bride. In many parts of the world, this is done just as it would be done in non-Roma society. The boy does the courting, and when the young couple agree to marry they become engaged and exchange modest gifts. Parents are consulted, but the decision is made by the young people.
Bride price is still maintained in many Roma tribes, which is a payment made by the family of the groom to the family of the bride to compensate for the loss of a daughter. Bride price also typically guarantees that the bride will be treated well by her new family.
Some clans still may practice arranged marriage. The prospective bride and groom may be consulted, but their opinions are rarely considered in making a final decision. They carefully consider all the young, unmarried women in the group, evaluating their individual qualities. Because of integration into non-Roma societies, many young couples have opposed arranged engagements and marriages and have eloped.
Bride price is negotiated between the parents, particularly over the amount of the darro, or dowry. Bride price is meant to compensate for the potential earning power of the bori, or daughter-in-law, who has been taken from her family to join that of her husband.
The character of the girl's family, as well as their prestige in the community is very important. Physical appearance of a bride is not very important. The prospective brides are judged on their merits, such as health, stamina, strength, dispositions, manners, and domestic skills.
Rejection of a formal proposal is considered a disgrace. If all goes well, the father of the boy then calls on the father of the girl. It is a polite and rather serious meeting. The purpose is to obtain the formal consent of the girl's father, and to establish a price to be paid for the bride. This money is to compensate the father for the loss of his daughter, and not as the purchase of a bride.
The discussion can be a long one, centering on the estimated value of the future bride. All the future bride's desired qualities are taken into consideration. In addition, the girl's father calculates how much his daughter has cost him since birth, since he is in effect giving her away.
Traditional Wedding
When an agreement is reached, and the bride price is accepted, the meeting ends with the father of the future bride drinking a symbolic glass of wine. This means that the boy has been formally approved as a husband for his daughter, under the agreed conditions. Following the formal agreement of terms, there is often a banquet, complete with music, singing, and dancing. The bride-to-be and her family often feign great sorrow at having to leave each other. The groom's family may complain about the high bride price they had to pay. In the end, they decide that the price is fair for a bride who will be a good wife to their son.
Frequently, a few days after the agreement has been made, a ceremony called a pliashka, or plotchka, is held. This event is attended by both friends and relatives of the couple. The symbol of this joyous celebration is a bottle of wine or brandy wrapped in a brightly colored silk handkerchief, brought to the ceremony by the young man's father. A necklace of gold coins is traditionally attached to the bottle. The groom-to-be's father takes the necklace of coins and puts it around the future bride's neck, and warmly embraces his future daughter-in-law, or bori. The necklace makes it clear to all that the girl is now engaged and not available as a bride to any other man. The groom-to-be's father drinks from the bottle and passes it around to the guests. When the bottle is emptied, it is refilled with wine or brandy for use at the wedding celebration.
The wedding itself, called the abiav, is largely a symbolic act, with no religious significance. Though Roma conform to local laws and customs in the countries in which they marry, the non-Roma religious or civil ceremonies are formalities for them. The mere fact that two people have agreed to live together and share their lives together constitutes marriage, and no formal ritual is required. This does not mean that they do not take marriage seriously. They simply do not believe in the importance of a formal wedding ceremony under the jurisdiction of a church or a state. Ordinary civil and religious marriages are becoming more frequent, if only to round off a traditional ceremony.
There is a traditional but simple wedding ceremony performed the Roma. The young couple sit down, surrounded by relatives and friends. A small amount of salt and bread is then placed on the knees of the bride. The groom takes some of the bread, puts salt on it, and eats it. The bride does the same. The union of salt and bread symbolizes a harmonious future together for the groom and bride.
The informal, joyous festivities celebrating the marriage can go on for several days. A huge feast is served on these happy occasions. There is sometimes an open fire over which whole boar, sides of beef, game, chicken, or goose are roasted. If it is available, hedgehog may be served, although this traditional dish has fallen from favor in recent times. There might be huge platters of fried potatoes and boiled cabbage stuffed with rice and chopped meat, with herbs and garlic. Drink, too, is served as generously. Musicians play traditional rhythmic tunes and there are songs and dances.
Wedding gifts almost always consist of money. Some families may save much of their money to present as gifts at weddings. These money gifts will help the new couple start their new lives together somewhat financially secure.
When the celebration has ended, it is time for the groom to take his bride to his home. The bride's family kisses the girl and they weep as they unbraid her hair, a symbol for her new marital status. Her new mother-in-law helps the bride knot her diklo, or head scarf, a sign that she is a married woman. She is never seen again without this diklo in public.
Marriages among Roma are serious commitments, and there are strict obligations on both sides. If a girl is found guilty of adultery, she must be taken back by her parents, who, in addition, must return the bride price to the husband's father. Infidelity in marriage historically has had serious consequences for the wife, including corporal punishment or a sentence of marimé. If the girl's father feels she has been mistreated by her husband or her in-laws, he has the right to take her away. In many cases, these complaints are heard before the kris before a final settlement is made.
